The world-exclusive first picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s child on the cover of this magazine was obtained . . . using models and the latest photo-manipulation technology. But everybody’s favorite celebrity weeklies are going to battle it out for the real thing, creating the biggest paparazzi frenzy the world has yet seen.

Wow, these pictures are amazingly realistic looking. I can’t believe that people get paid to act as impersonators though. I pretend that I’m Angelina Jolie every single day and that Brad Pitt is my personal sperm supplier. Since I’m like ten months pregnant now we can’t have sex, but that doesn’t mean that I leave my man hanging. And he hangs waaaay down if you know what I mean, but I don’t have a mouth like this for nothing.

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Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to a baby boy sometime over the weekend. This is Gwyneth and husband Chris Martin’s second child and first son.

So who cares right? It’s not the long awaited “most beautiful baby in the entire universe” Brangelina baby, or the “we’re not gonna believe that wasn’t a pillow until we see the infant and the afterbirth” Tomkat baby. I am so disappointed. But my babydar was working! I said that a baby was going to be born this weekend.

Okay, so I didn’t exactly say that, but I did say that I wished above anything that the Tomkat baby be born so I had something to do this weekend. When I heard a celebrity baby was born I jumped for joy! Then I heard that it was Apple Martin’s new brother Orange Martin and I rolled back over for a few more zzz’s.

Source: ET

Johnny Depp and his long time girlfriend and baby-mama Vanessa Paradis were among the many guests at the recent Mont Blanc 100th anniversary party in Geneva, Switzerland.

Vanessa really really really needs to see a dentist. Like, really really. I hate dentists, I hate needles, I hate being poked, but dear god, fix those yellow things! Please tell me this isn’t what French cheese and wine does to you. Or maybe she smokes eight packs of cigs a day. That or Johnny Depp has some funky colored sperm.

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As you’ve noticed by now, I typically lie in my post titles. Ahem. Carmen Electra was on Howard Stern’s Sirius satellite radio show this morning. And, like the good girl that she is, Carmen hopped on Howard’s penis. His mechanical penis that is, known as the Sybian.

Carmen was on Stern’s show today to promote her new movie, Scary Movie 4. (The previews look pretty funny, I must admit.) And, by the way, Carmen’s marriage is not in danger as has been previously reported, and Carmen and her husband, Dave Navarro, plan to have a baby in 2007.

These pictures are the hottest thing you’ll see all day. Nay… all weekend. Carmen is wearing a sexy black corset top with the cutest plaid miniskirt. I can’t wait for the video of this most coveted event to start making the internet rounds. For now the pictures will have to do. Click it.

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Annnnnnd… barf.

Does anyone else find this statue of Britney Spears giving birth a little inaccurate? Look how long and lean the statue’s arms and legs are. We all know that Britney put on the poundage during her pregnancy and her arms and legs looked way chunkier. Oh well, it’s art.

“Everyone is coming at me with anger and venom, but I depicted her as she has depicted herself — seductively. Suddenly, she’s a mom.”

Yeah, leave the guy alone. He said it’s not political. Sure it’s kinda creepy with the bearskin rug and all, but honestly, who wouldn’t want to see the Pop Princess’s naughty bits? Even if in statue form?

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Today, representatives for Tom Cruise denied reports of a custom made “binky” for Katie Holmes, Rosie O’Donnell says Tom Cruise is nice, Nicole Kidman denies reports that she got her married to Tom Cruise annulled, and Katie Holmes’ parents are still concerned for their daughter.

I wonder when Katie’s going to pop? I hope it’s this weekend because it’s supposed to be cold so I’ll probably stay inside and I’ll need something to do.

When asked about what she thinks of Tom Cruise, Rosie O’Donnell said he’s always been kind to her and sends her flowers on her birthday.

Catholic actress Nicole Kidman has denied she is seeking an annulment of her marriage to Tom Cruise so she can marry her country singer boyfriend Keith Urban in a church.

Pregnant actress Katie Holmes stunned a magazine journalist when she accompanied fiancé Tom Cruise on a recent interview, by acting in a “dazed, passive and vacant” manner.

Perhaps the conservative Catholic parents of Katie Holmes should look into the process of obtaining an annulment, given their future son-in-law’s marital track record?

Source: ABC News, Ireland Online, Hollywood, Cult News

Ohhhh, what I meant was… Shannon Elizabeth likes to play poker! And here she is, opening day of the Venetian’s new poker room in Las Vegas. Pictures after the jump.

I have a theory… that Shannon took up playing poker to win enough money to pay her dickhead of a soon-to-be ex-husband off, as he’s suing her for half of all earnings, property, assets and investments she took home in the five years they spent living together before getting married.

What an ass. She’s the one with the cute face and killer boobs, not you.

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I told you these two were in the news practically everyday! So Katie Holmes is due to give birth any minute now, and she’s reportedly having a girl. Tom Cruise reveals that he was abused by his father, and he had a special adult-sized pacifier made for Katie to bite on while she’s giving birth.

It’s weird… there are a million more pictures of Brengelina than there are of Tomkat, but all of the really bazaar stories are surrounding Tomkat. Could Brengelina actually be a normal couple/family? Tom Cruise hasn’t been normal since him and Nicole divorced.

Cruise said of his father, Thomas Cruise Mapother III, “He was a bully and a coward – the person where, if something goes wrong, they kick you. … It was a great lesson in my life, how he’d lull you in, make you feel safe and then, bang!”

“The school took me to a psychiatrist to get tested,” he says. “They said, ‘Oh, he’s dyslexic.’ I’m labeled. It instantly put me into confusion. It was an absolute affront to my dignity.”

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having a baby girl. The Hollywood couple are busy decorating a nursery for their unborn tot and spent $20,000 on bedding and furniture suitable for a daughter.

To prevent Katie from screaming, Tom Cruise specially crafted adult pacifier, reports Star magazine. Apparently, an adult-sized rubber toy is meant to be clenched between her teeth so that it will squelch her screams.

Source: People, Yahoo, Starpulse, Fashion Monitor

Lots of lawsuit news today!

Cameron Diaz won her lawsuit against a photographer who tried to illicitly sell pictures he took of her before she was big and famous. The photographer, John Rutter, was convicted of forgery, attempted grand theft and perjury on the court for threatening to sell the photos to prospective buyers. He is currently serving part of a nearly four year prison sentence on those convictions.

Shortly before the release of Diaz’s “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” in 2003, photographer John Rutter approached the actress with a signed model contract — which the court later determined was forged — giving him ownership of photos from a session he had with her more than a decade ago. He claims he offered her the “right of first refusal” if she paid $3.5 million for them. The pics feature Diaz in fishnets and leather boots and in one pose, holding a chain attached to a male model’s neck.

Last year Cameron also won her suit against The Sun that claimed she was cheating on boyfriend Justin Timberlake with a married man. The UK tabloid admitted that the story was false.

Sheesh. Don’t cross Cameron Diaz! But do look at the nekkie pics of her after the jump.

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Remember last week when Jessica Alba was all up in Playboy’s grill about them using her picture on the cover of their mag without her permission? Well good ole Hugh felt badly that sweet little Jessica was upset and he issued an apology and then donated some money to a couple of Jessica’s favorite charities. All is forgiven now. Thank goodness. I sure was losing sleep over this one. < yawn>